15+ Of The Stupidest Things Customers Have Ever Said

Working in customer service has its ups and downs. Said no one ever. These jobs test the very limits of how much bullsh*t can a person take with a smile on their face, and what better way to get through it than turn to reddit and relate to the people that are tortured the same way. Laughing from their misery, retail employees are sharing the dumbest thing they’ve heard a customer say, and you couldn’t make these things up. From trying to get a better deal to asking for instructions, Bored Panda has collected the funniest things that came out from customers’ mouths. Scroll down to read them and upvote your favorites!

I work at walmart stocking shelves in the grocery department. During one busy day a woman came up to me with a crying kid, probably about 5 years old, and said (exact quote) “my kid is pissing me off, watch him for me while I go get some things.”

I told her that it wasn’t my job to watch her kid and that I had to go in back and do things and he couldn’t come with me anyway, so then she told me she was going to walk away and leave her kid there and if anything happened to him it would be my fault. So I told her if she did that I was going to take her kid to customer service and tell them he was lost and have them page her until she came back.

She started to walk away anyway so I took her kids hand and started to bring him to customer service and then all of a sudden she yelled “WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH MY SON” and I froze, but fortunately a bunch of customers had overheard the whole conversation and explained what had happened to my manager who kicked her out of the store.

In high school I worked at a local hardware store. We also refilled propane tanks for gas grills. After a summer or two of doing ten or more tanks a day you get good at guestimating how full a tank is just by picking it up. one particularly hot day a customer comes in and sets his tank down next to me and asks for a fill up. I pick up the tank and inform him that the tank is full and does not need a fill up. He looks pretty agitated already with this short exchange and says that he checked that it was empty and would I just fill it up. To this, I inquired how he checked. There are several ways to check, one being by the weight of the tank, another is the thermal strip on the side (which his tank did not have) the other is to pour hot water down the side and feel where it gets cold. His reply assured me that this was one blithering idiot lucky to be alive. He said he checked it by holding his cigarette lighter in front of the valve and opening it. To this I replied: ” You ought to write to your congressman and representative because they saved your life today. This tank has an OPD safety valve on it that prevents the gas from coming out without anything attached.” He walked out without another word and with a very red face.

“My laptop won’t turn on!”
“Did you plug it in and charge the battery?”
“NO! This is a laptop! It doesn’t need to be plugged in!”
“Ma’am, the battery still needs to be charg…”
“LISTEN! This is a laptop!”

I used to work as a photographer in a studio next to an opticians office. I once managed to have a long conversation with a older man looking for glasses, without either of us realizing he was in the wrong place.

Him: “Hi, I’m Mr McFakenamington, here for my appointment”
Me: “Huh, that’s odd… I don’t see you on our schedule. I have time for a walk-in though, just fill in this paperwork”
We have a little chat about possible clerical errors that could lead to a missing appointment as he’s filling in his paper. I chalk it up to human error and tell him we can get started in a few minutes anyway.
Him (after a brief silence): “So about how long to these appointments take?”
Me: “Well, generally it takes 1 to 2 hours for the whole process. Really depends on the person”
Him: “Wow, thats a long time…”
Me: “Well, if it’s just you it shouldn’t take so long. The long appointments tend to be families with children. The most time consuming thing is picking out the ones you like.”
Him: “And after I’ve chosen, do you make them here? When can I pick them up?”
Me: “We send out your order to our lab and it comes back here in a week or two”
Him (looking around): “Do you have frames I can look at?”
Me: “Not really. We’ve got some pre-framed products but generally customers buy their own frames from somewhere else”
Him: “That’s ridiculous! How could you not sell frames here?!”
Me: “Well… there are some in (adjacent department store) if you don’t have any around the house. Frames are really not so hard to come by. I mean, you can even get them at (nearby pharmacy)”
Him: “But you’d at least set up the frames for me, right?”
Me: “Sorry, no.. but for most frames it’s pretty straightforward. Usually it’s just a couple simple latches in the back? I can’t imagine I’d be better at it than you, or anyone else for that matter.”
Him: “I don’t even get to try anything on today? How will I know how it looks? How do you get the size right for the frames if I don’t have them?”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, I really don’t follow”
Him (practically yelling): “So you just want me to buy glasses i’ve never seen for frames I don’t have, and I have to frame them myself?!!!”
At this point it dawns on me. I explain that I’m a photographer, point to the photos hanging up around the studio. I tell him that optical is next door. He looks sheepish, and I walk out with him to make sure he gets to the right place.
This entire conversation occurred while I was under a sign that said “Portrait Studio”, in a room filled with photos of families. I guess the poor guy really needed those glasses.

I worked as a lifeguard at a public pool last summer.

We had a strict ‘No water-wings” policy. Those little f**kers are death traps. So this woman is putting water wings on her kid next to the pool, and I politely inform her that we do not allow water wings, and have life vests available for free literally 5 feet from where she’s standing. She becomes so infuriated that I would “dare to dictate how she treats her child” and tons of other shit. So I call my supervisor over, and as he arrives and is speaking to her, the kid jumps in the pool.

Water wings slip up his arms, and he’s suspended underwater. Jump in and pull him out. Woman is furious that I would “have the nerve to touch her child. How dare I?!”

I used to work in a call centre. When a customer called to place an order from the catalog we would have to offer them cross sells that appeared on our screen. Say for example someone ordered a stapler, we would offer them staples to go with it.

This took place back when computer inkjet printers were fairly new. They didn’t have wireless network capabilities nor did they have SD card readers built in. It was also before tablets came out.

A woman called to place an order and the conversation went like this

Her: Hi. I’d like to order item #XXXXXXXX

Me: ok. That would be an HP printer (offering cross sell) would you also like to add the printer cable as it’s not included.

Her: Why would I need a cable?

Me: to connect to your computer

Her: oh honey, I don’t have a computer I just want to print some stuff

Me: umm. You need a computer in order to print stuff

Her: no. My son knows a lot about computers and you are wrong.

After spending 5 minutes explaining how she can’t print without a computer she continued to place the order and the call ended. I wrote careful notes in the log and explained it all. I wrote down the order number as I knew she’d call back to return it.

Sure enough about 3 weeks later I checked and she had called to return it. In the notes the person who handled the return said that the person she ordered it from said nothing about needing a computer to work the printer. I didn’t get in trouble cause my notes had been in the system saving my ass.

Customer: Can I get a Big Mac, a poutine, and a large coffee double double.

Me: Alright, so I will make that a meal for you so it’s cheaper.

Customer: I don’t want a meal. I want a BIG MAC, A POUTINE, AND A LARGE DOUBLE DOUBLE. THAT’S IT. NO MEAL.

Me: Ma’am.. those three items together are a meal. I can charge you separately for more money if you want but a meal is cheaper.

Customer: huffs I said no meal. Let me pay. proceeds to pay $3-$4 extra just because she doesn’t want a meal

I don’t understand customers sometimes.

When I used to waitress I once had a customer complain I put too much ice in her glass of water because it would water down the flavor…I didn’t even know how to respond to that.

“Your total comes to $32.23”
“I only have $20.”
“….”
“Can I still have it?”
“….no.”

Worked at EB Games when I was 18, in a city in Canada known for its red necks.

A man in his 40s came in and spent at least 3 hours browsing every single title on the wall. He refused my help several times and eventually came up to the counter with 5 brand new games on almost every system we carried. After ringing in his selection of Cabela’s hunting, Nascar racing and UFC fighting he paid and left.

Several hours later the man returns! He throws open the front door (it was a stand alone store) and yells “What kind of sh*t show are you running here?!†He is red in the face and stomps towards me and throws his bag of games onto the counter.

“NONE OF THESE WORK. THIS IS A SH*T STORE. WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS… (man rants and yells at me for a minute or so before he decides to take a breath).â€

I asked him, “you tried the games in your Xbox, PC and Playstation and NONE of them worked?â€
His reply “I just got that new player from Wal-Mart THIS AFTERNOON and NONE OF THESE GAMES WORK!!†Of course, he doesn’t know the name of ‘the disc player’ that he bought was. After several painful minutes and him showing me the Wal-Mart receipt out of his pocket…

…he bought a DVD player.

I once had a customer bring back a laptop she bought the day before claiming it was broken. She said it wouldn’t open, I asked her if it was windows not loading up or a program not opening, she said the laptop itself wouldn’t physically open. I took it out of the box, opened it up and just looked at her. Her mouth fell open, she looked at me and said “Oh, it opens that side! Me and my sister tried for an hour to open it up last night and couldn’t†She had been trying to open it from the hinge side…

I worked in call centers for a brief moment and you get connected with some very weird people.
Me : “OK are there any lights on the modem?”
Cx : “no its unplugged. I unplugged it because I didn’t like the lights
Me : “oh… Well the modem needs to be plugged in to work”
Cx : “I don’t want to get out of bed, can’t you send the signal from your end?”
Me : “…no, it’s physically disconnected, you need to plug it in. I’m just on the phone with you”
Cx : “I don’t get why you’re giving me the run around”

“How many slices are in a large pizza?”

“Eight.”

“What about a medium?”

“Eight.”

“Okay, wiseguy, how many slices in a small?”

“Eight.”

“How can a large and a small have the same number of slices?”

“Because we cut them all the same number of times.”

“Bullshit, that doesn’t make sense. Let me talk to your manager!”

I called the manager over and he has the exact same conversation with the customer.

This has happened several times. How is it so hard to understand?

I have been a waiter for years but by far the stupidest thing I’ve ever had happen to me at work happened when I was just starting out. I was waiting on a family of four and they all ordered Ice waters. I brought them their drinks and then a few minutes later the mom waves me over. She says ” The out side of my glass is wet” I stare at it and see the beads of condensation on the outside of the glass. ” Yeah it’s called condensation, its what happens when you have Ice water in a room temperature glass” she stares at me like I’m a f**king alien, and then I realize that this was my future as a waiter, dealing with f**king idiots. I took her drink and wiped it off with a towel and handed it back to her.

Back in college, I worked over the summer for a tour bus company in Washington, DC. While driving past the Washington Monument, a woman asked me “How do they get all the flags to fly in the same direction?â€

Not mine, but a friend told this story in college, and it always amused me.

She worked in a camera store, and this was the early 90’s, so pre-digital camera era. This woman comes in, wanting to get some photos developed. She hands my friend the whole camera (not unusual; apparently a lot of people didn’t know how to get the film out after they were done with a roll, so this part wasn’t uncommon). My friend examines the camera, and:

My friend: um… Ma’am, there’s no film in here. Woman: That’s okay, I still took the pictures. My friend: But there’s no film in the camera.
Woman: I know, but I took the pictures anyway, so please get them out. My friend: But… You would have to have had film in the camera first… Woman: it doesn’t matter, I pressed the button. There are pictures in there. Please get them out.

And so on, for quite some time. It ended with the woman storming off, convinced my friend was incompetent.

‘Would you like some jalapeños with your nachos?’ ‘No, I’m massively allergic. I could die.’ ‘Oh, then you shouldn’t have any of this then, the cheese and salsa dips you asked for both contain jalapeños’ ‘Oh; don’t worry. I’m not actually allergic. Just not a fan’.

You f***ing thundering bag of d**ks, I wasn’t going to force them down your throat. Say ‘no thanks’ and we’re done.

Cellphone store right before the dawn of the smartphone
Customer: “I need my information off my old phone.”
Me: “Okay where is it?”
Customer: “At the bottom of a lake.”

Worked at a gas station. I watched a customer pull up, whip her door open and slam it against the large, shiny silver pole that protects cars form running into gas pumps. She then proceeds to furiously get out, scream with her head facing the heavens, and run into the gas station telling me I need to be more careful where I place those.

The thing has been cemented into the f***ing ground for over twenty years.

I used to work at a store in a small midwestern town that sold, among other things, jumbo jelly beans. One day, I received the following phone call:
Customer: Hi, this is Habner Whozizfuck and I was just in there the other day. I bought a pound of the black licorice jelly beans and I think there’s something wrong with them.
Me: Why do you think that?
Customer: I put it in my mouth and it just… It just sat there.
Me: What do you mean sir?
Customer: Well, I just put it in my mouth and I had it in my mouth and it just STAYED there. It used to be I’d pop one in my mouth and after a few minutes it would go away.
Me: Do you mean it would disappear?
Customer: No, I mean it would just… It would melt away in my spittle.
Me: Sir, it sounds more like you were eating a hard candy to me. Jelly beans are kind of chewy and they’d probably take a good long while to dissolve in your mouth.
Customer: Well, I guess I don’t know what to do. I got a pound of these jelly beans and I don’t know what to do with them.
Me: I would suggest chewing them, sir.
Customer: Oh, okay! I’ll try that! Thanks!!!

I once had a customer service rep call me to the front of the store because a couple were screaming at her, saying that I sold them the wrong game for their console.

I went up to the front, and they shifted their screaming back and forth between the two of us, but it was mainly directed at me, because I was apparently a greedy salesperson who purposely sold them a game that was incompatible with the Nintendo DS (that I had also sold them) just so I could roll around in my filthy lucre while cackling away at their misfortune.

Anyway, in between the yelling, I managed to glean from them that their issue was that the game cartridge wouldn’t actually fit into the console. So I picked up the game cartridge and slid it into the machine with no problems. They both shut up and stared at it for a second. The wife began to yell at me again (something about tricking them and making them look bad) while the husband shushed her and apologized. He explained that they had gone home and handed the whole lot to their 4-year-old to figure out, but their 4-year-old kept trying to put the cartridge in backwards.

Apparently it never occurred to them to look into the matter themselves, as their toddler had things well in hand, and the obvious conclusion was that I had sold them the wrong thing. On purpose.

Used to do tech support for Verizon and a lady called in yelling at me for shutting down her wifi.
Asked for her account info – she doesn’t have an account.
Asked her why she called us then and she described the screen that shows up when you don’t pay your bill.
She continued to adamantly claim she has no Verizon account and it is illegal for us to shut down her wifi because we don’t own the air.
Finally helped her log into her router to get some info and pulled up an account with a different name on it.
She recognizes that name as her neighbor.
Spent the next while trying to get her to understand that she’d been using her neighbor’s connection but the neighbor didn’t pay the bill so there was nothing I could do. (probably not supposed to discuss the neighbor’s billing issue without permission but I’d already told her that screen was from unpaid bills before we figured out it was her neighbor)
Don’t think I ever got her to stop telling me I was violating her rights by not allowing her to use the WiFi in her own home…
That call happened to be randomly recorded for QA… My manager, entire team, and multiple training classes thereafter got a good laugh out of it…

I used to work in a store that sold stuff for getting organized and we carried step ladders for people who might be putting stuff up on high shelves. We had two different models which were completely identical except one had two steps, and the other had three steps. And the larger one cost like $5 mor
One night the store was completely dead when this guy walks in and asks if we have step ladders, so I show him the two choices. He asks all these questions about which one I think is better and whether I recommend one or the other and a bunch of other inane stuff and all I can tell him is that the ONLY difference is the extra step and about $5 in price. So the guy says, “Ok let me think about it for a minute.” So I leave him to it.
He ponders this life-altering choice for an hour. He calls his wife to discuss it four times. After endless hemming and hawing he ends up not buying either one, and leaves us with the parting words, “I don’t know. I think three steps may just be a little too much ladder for me.”
I honestly don’t know how someone that indecisive even manages to dress himself in the morning.

“Man, ya’ll don’t know how to treat customers. It’s why you all losing money. I’m going to Lowe’s.”

From a customer yelling at customer service, in a Lowe’s.

Was told it was a gluten ALLERGY. So we have to like shut the kitchen down. For dessert she orders the chocolate cake. “Ive been good on my diet, don’t judge me! ” also I SAID NO TOMATO IM DEATHLY ALLERGIC! we apologize, remake. She smothers it in f***in ketchup. Also “i can’t have the grape pop. (The flavor no one ever wanted) Im allergic to artificial grape” i get a cool super sour candy spray. She wants it. Im like “oh, sorry its grape” “that’s ok! Its sour so it doesn’t count!” Smdh stop faking allergies!

Hello, how may I help you today? .^

Yes I would like a phone charger.

No problem, what type of phone?

I just need a charger.

Yes but I would need to know the type of phone so I can give you the right charger.

I don’t know.

……would you happen to have it with you so I may take a look.

No.

Ok no problem, is it by any chance an iPhone? Big circle button on the bottom.

Idk. Listen can you just give me a phone charger.

.-. Ok, gave her a random charger. May the odds be ever in your favor.

When working at Wal-Mart electronics around 8 years ago, I dealt with a sudden torrent of people returning wireless products.

They were furious that these devices needed to be plugged in to charge. I had customers insisting that the other employees said their phone/keyboard/controller/etc. would “absorb electricity” from sockets as they walked around the house.

We had to put up “wireless devices do not charge wirelessly” signs around the entire department.

“Thank you for calling Starbucks, this is Jeff. How can I help you?â€

“Yes, where are you located?â€

“We’re at the corner of Main and Magnolia.â€

“And where is that.â€

“Do you know where Main Street is?â€

“Yes.â€

“Do you know where Magnolia Avenue is?â€

“Yes.â€

“That’s where we are.â€

“Well I’m standing at that intersection and I can’t find your store. Is it underground or something?â€

[looks out the window and sees a woman who looks lost]

“Ma’am, turn to your left. Do you see a man in a green apron waving at you?†[begins waving at her]

“Yes.â€

“That man is inside a Starbucks. Go there.â€

“That’s not Starbucks. That’s Quizno’s.â€

“Ma’am, I’m very confident I’m in a Starbucks right now.â€

“You’re not very helpfulâ€

A pleasant lady walked into the bike store I work at and asked us to help take her daughter’s bike out of the car to find out why it wasn’t riding as well as it had been when she got it. I stride over to her minivan and lug out a beautiful, spotless blue Bianchi. Looked like it had been ridden maybe twice.

Brakes were snappy, shifting was crisp, chain had zero rust and zero stretch. The bike was basically good as new.

Except the tires were empty. I asked her when her daughter filled them last.

“You have to fill them?”

I worked at a Stop and Shop in the produce department part time for a few years. There was a kid in there named Bobby who sold drugs but had a really good sense of humor.

One day we get a call from a customer saying she found a spider in her grapes. He handles it properly and explains that sometimes bugs do come in on the fruit and that he was sorry that happened. She however says that she’s bringing it in so we can test whether it’s poisonous or not. Problem is, we don’t do that. It’s a bug. Kill it.

She comes in 45 minutes later with this spider in a tupperware container and starts asking me what we’re going to do with it. As I’m backpedaling my way through the conversation Bobby walks up saying “OH YOU’RE THE SPIDER LADY!” He grabs the container and notes how big the spider is which freaks her out a little bit. She asks him what we are going to do with it and with the most serious tone on he just says “Probably going to shake him up and see if he’ll fight the other ones we have out back.” Then he just walks away. Lady went apeshit on me. I lol’d.

Customer: “$11.50?!? The deal says any two footlong sandwiches for $12!”

Me: “Yes, but one of the sandwiches you got had a regular price of $5.50 so it was cheaper any–“

Customer: “Thats ridiculous!! I want to see a manager- actually forget it. I’m never coming back!”

I worked at a helpdesk…one time a lady called in complaining she “charged her internet all night, and now it won’t work once she unplugged it from the modemâ€â€¦

“I’m allergic to gluten. I want you to point out all of the candy in your candy shop that is gluten free.” I do as requested. She buys a shit ton of licorice. me: “Um, ma’am, that licorice contains gluten.” “Oh, a little bit won’t hurt me.”

C1: “I’m allergic to anchovies, so no anchovies on my Caesar salad.”
-there’s anchovies in our caesar dressing, what would you like instead?
C1: No there’s not, I had it last week and I didn’t taste them.
I grind anchovies into that dressing Every. Single. Day.

I can think of one from my time at working at Petco. A lady called saying that her labrador was throwing up blood, and “do you guys sell a pill that stops this?†I gave in to the undisciplined side of my head and irritatedly responded that if her child was throwing up blood she probably wouldn’t be going to Walgreens to find a drug for it, she’d be going to the doctor’s and she should probably do the same for her dog. That job scared me with the amount of people that were totally clueless on how to raise animals and yet had small children.

Yesterday while I was helping out in Best Buy, a woman approached me with a pink plastic phone case asking how many txt messages it could store in an inbox….

I said she needed to have a cell phone for that. She clearly did not understand.

After about 10 minutes of trying to explain that the case was solely for style/protective purposes, I sent her over to the phone department and let them deal with her for the next HOUR.

Worked in a scooter repair shop. This customer was well known for being beyond stupid, every time we saw them.

This time, she had lost her keys. She had us pick up the scooter, cut her a new key, and came in to pick it up.

Walks in, pays, goes outside to drive home. Walks back inside.

Customer: “um, when I dropped my bike off, there were like.. a lot more keys on here..†holds up key ring

Coworker: “you had us pick up you scooter… because you lost. Your. Keys.â€

Customer: eyes go wide after several seconds of confusion “oooohhhhhh thaaatsriiiigghht……!!â€

we all stare at each other as she leaves, wondering how she functions in society

I made lentil soup for the kitchen I worked in as a teen, but I put the carrots in later than I should have and so they still had a slight crunch when the first customer bought a cup. He stormed back in after a few minutes and demanded his money back because he was going to get food poisoning from eating an uncooked carrot.

Working in Hotels I have meet quite a few dim bulbs.

One night a woman stormed into the lobby screaming about how our parking garage did not have enough clearance for her jacked up hummer. I explained that there is uncovered parking across the street, and if her Hummer did not fit in the garage, she could park there. She got irate about how it was unsafe and demanded I (this is a direct quote) “Go outside and raise the parking structure with a stick or somethingâ€. I politely explained that was physically impossible for me to do, and she said “Well, then you shouldn’t be working with people!â€

I used to work at Red Lobster. A lady asked me for suggestions on something healthy. I suggested grilled salmon. She promptly turned down the idea, saying she heard it was full of fat. She then ordered a fried seafood platter with double butter and sour cream for her baked potato and double ranch dressing for her salad.

I worked geek squad once and a customer told me his ipod gave his jeep a virus and that’s why he was having engine trouble now.

I used to work at a book store. You’d be surprised how many people came in and asked us to help them find a book that they knew nothing about. We’re pretty good at figuring out what people need, but when they don’t know the author, title, or anything about the book, it’s pretty much impossible. My favorite ones were people who insisted we should be able to find a book because “I told you! The cover is red!”

I worked at Borders Books and a lady at the info desk asked where are our BBQ’s. When I told her we don’t carry BBQ’s she got very angry and said, “well you carry books on them, right? Why wouldn’t you have them in stock?” I replied, “We have books on nuclear weapons but I don’t keep those in stock either.” I was written up later that day. B*tch…

When the Nintendo DS was released with the Brain Training games we had several middle aged and older customers come in to buy the game but didn’t own the Nintendo DS “No I don’t want the Nintendo thing I just want the game.” I started asking “What colour DS do you have?” to find out
After confirming she didn’t own a DS, one lady told me “I used to work in sales, I know you’re trying to upsell, it’s not going to work.”
Most of the time they thought they could put it in their computer somewhere or ask their children for help.

Worked at Burger King, had a really busy rush, line all the way to the door. This guy comes in and gets in line, real shitty look on his face. He waits in line for about 5-10 minutes (anger building), gets up to my register and screams while waving a Taco Bell bag at me ” You forgot my sour cream”

I was dumbfounded at how the guy could have waited in line, with all the pictures of burgers every where, and the completely different color scheme. So I told him I would go get my manager (she was a real old and crankier kind of lady, rough around the edges.)

As I come back I can see the guy has this odd look on his face, like its starting to sink in, my manager comes up and I tell her ” We forgot the sour cream for his tacos”. She looks at me, rolls her eyes harder than I have ever seen anyone roll their eyes, and turns around and walks back to her office.

The guy looks at me, he is starting to look nervous, his brain knows something is wrong.. I point out the window, he looks out the window, sees the Taco Bell next door. He was out the front door fast, bright red, not a word.

A woman came into my restaurant clearly looking for her friends who were already sitting down.

The restaurant is small, and you can see every seat from the front door. I hand her a menu, and say: “Go ahead and take a look for them – they’ve gotta be here somewhere.”

She looks at me, then down at the menu she holds in her hands with what can only be described as a look of both fear and confusion. I ask her if there’s anything the matter, to which she responds: “How do you have a map of where everyone is sitting???”

She thought we live-printed maps every time someone new came through the doors.

Bonus: She, later that same night, asked me what duck was.

Worked at chick fil a, and a customer pointed to our lemonade dispenser. On it, it says “lemon, sugar, water.†The customer asks for a lemon, sugar, water drink. I repeat back “a lemonade?†His reply: “no, the lemon sugar water drink.â€

“I have a coupon for a free sandwich, but I don’t know where it is.”
“So….you don’t have a coupon?”
“No, I SAID that I have a coupon but. I. don’t. know. where. it. is!!!!!!”
This argument lasted long enough to get the manager out of her office, in part because of how stupid it was.

Someone once told me she can’t have eggs since she was lactose intolerant. I told her to not worry’s since there was no dairy in the dish but I can still do it without eggs. Her response “Did you not just hear me say I can’t have dairy?â€

This was an old grumpy lady who seems to think eggs, or anything from what we think of as “farmsâ€, are dairy. So no, the customer is not always right.

I work at the Philadelphia Zoo. One day I was carrying a chicken to the exercise yard. A man was eagerly following me waiting to see what animal I had inside the carrier.

The chicken was reluctant to leave her carrier at first, and when she finally exited the carrier I said, “Good birdâ€. Then the man asked me, “Why are you calling it a bird if it’s a chicken?†I didn’t know how to respond without making him sound like a moron.

C:”Your computer you sent me is broken, fix it!”

M: “We don’t provide computers to anyone, this is (company name).”

C: “I got a computer from you guys to use for school 2 weeks ago. Give me a new one NOW.”

M: “Where did you get it from?”

C: “YOU”

M: “What was the company name?”

C: “My god you are so annoying. I got it from (Different Company Name).”

M: “You’ll want to contact them. This is (Company Name) and we don’t provide computers.”

C: Brief silence. “THIS IS YOUR FAULT.” Hangs up

One of the dumbest calls I have ever had. Was a few years ago and glad I don’t deal with those kind of people anymore.

I was a shelf stocker. Customer tried to have a discussion with me about how rough the toilet paper was recently and my role in causing that to happen.

Working as a hostess in a steakhouse.

Me: the wait will be about 30-40 minutes.

Customer: gestures toward closed section of tables but there are four tables right there. You can just seat me there. Why are you making all these people wait!

Me: Sir, those tables are empty because that section is closed. The server is home sick, and there is no one available to serve those tables.

Customer: That’s rediculous! I demand to sit there! You can’t just hold tables hostage like that!

Me: ok, you can sit there, but no one will be by to take your order. customer sits in closed section

15 minutes later, yelling at manager:

Customer: that girl wouldn’t seat me here because she said it was closed. So I sat myself because she can’t just do that! I sat here for 15 minutes and no one even took my drink order!

In New York State, you have to have your car inspected for safety. If it’s not safe, you can’t drive it. I failed a woman’s car because her brake pedal goes to the floor, and the car barely stops. She LOSES her shit, calls her husband who bitches me out.

“You don’t know who I know, I’ll have your job by the end of the month!” etc.

After about 20 minutes of arguing, the lady calms down and accepts her fate. The conversation goes as follows.

Her: “Are the brakes something the collision shop would check after an accident?”

Me: “Sure, but it depends on where the damage was.”

Her: “Hmm, okay. I just got my car back, and they didn’t say anything. I crashed into a building because the brakes didn’t work.”

Me: “Huh, weird.”

Had an argument with a customer that there is no such thing as a uppercase “5”. So when he was typing in his email password, he was typing a “%” in his password instead of a “5”.

“What’s your birthday?”

“January 15.”

“What year?”

“Every year.”

Worked at a cellphone store next to a Chase bank.

“Can I make a deposit here? The bank is closed.”

No, no god damnit you can’t.

I work in the maintenance department of a large hotel in Ohio. Have had a guest flip out because her room did not have a TV. I told her to turn around, she spun in a circle (NO lie) I then told her to face the exact opposite direction from where she was and look on the wall above the fireplace. She did and said “Oh, I thought that was one of those fancy digital picture frames.â€

Had someone come into our office for a consultation. He was clearly slurring his speech, couldn’t stand and reeked of alcohol.
“Sir, have you been drinking.”
“No, I don’t drink.”
“You smell like alcohol and appear drunk.”
“I don’t drink, I’m just sipping.”

I work at a certain video-game retail store. Before Christmas, when we were demoing the 3DS, had a guy come in and was looking at the display. After asking him if he wanted to try it, he said he didn’t trust 3D. Assuming it was a lame joke, I chuckled and said, “Yeah, it’s pretty freaky sometimes.” Full-on serious mode kicks in with the guy, and he lectures me for a few minutes on how the government is changing our brains by using 3D, because our eyes are adjusting, allowing information to slip into our minds without our knowledge. I’m shocked he wasn’t wearing a tinfoil hat.

When I was working at Krispy Kreme. Customer ordering a dozen donuts:

Customer: I want the sprinkle donut

Me: Would you like the strawberry or the chocolate one?

Customer: Do you just like hearing yourself talk?

Me: I just wanted to get the right one

Customer: I bet you always have to be right, don’t you?

Me: I’m sorry I-

Customer: I want the purple one! [There was no purple donut.] Ha! I bet you were about to correct me on that weren’t you?

Me:…

Customer: I want the strawberry one. Now would you give me my box so you can get out of my face?

Me:… Well you still have two more to go…

Well didn’t ask me for anything, but I was working and this little girl said to her mom “whats he doing mommy” she replied “putting stuff on the shelf”. the little girl ask “why”. then the mom said “because he didn’t go to college”

I was working at Hollywood Video for a while. A man walked through the front door, about 5 feet from me. He was still in the entry way, and stopped. Quite literally, in his full view there were movies as far as the eye could see. He asked me “Where are your movies.” I just kinda stared at him blankly for a moment. My brain wouldn’t register the question. So I said “Excuse me?”

The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Him: Where are your movies!? Me: Uh… Everywhere. I can help you find what you need. Him: Just show me where the movies are. Me: What kind? Him: (Agitated now) The f**king kind you watch! Me: (Confounded by his stupidity) Sir, I don’t know how to help you.”

He stormed out. He called customer service later, I found out he wanted to know where in the store movies could be found to PURCHASE not rent. He was apparently just too stupid to articulate this.

I had measured the customer’s foot and handed him the shoe box. I had to aid a customer right next to him so I couldn’t prepare the shoes for him. Customer grabs shoes and immediately tries to stuff their foot in the shoe. Shoe has paper filling in it and laces are tight.

Customer: THIS SHOE IS TOO SMALL! YOU MORON. I THOUGHT YOU SAID THIS IS MY SIZE.

Me: Let me help you..

Customer: Hahaha. Thanks. I didn’t mean what I said.

Lady: “Why wont you let my child swim in the deep end”
Me: “Because she cant swim”

Working at a chain restaurant, you never know what kind of things are going to come out of people’s mouths. I once had a lady that literally said to me, after trying her food, “this doesn’t taste like the picture.”.

“I’m sorry I miscounted the number of people, I booked for 12 but there’s 15 of us, could I get a few more chairs?â€

“Yeah sure I’ll see if I can find a some spare chairsâ€

So I bring them back to the table

“Excuse me, there’s no way 5 people can sit around this table could you get us another table?â€

“I’m sorry, we have a limited number of tables for all of the bookings we have today, there are no other tables I can take.â€

“This is ridiculous, if I book a table I expect to be able to have somewhere to sit.â€

“I’m sorry, but you’re booked for 12 people and we provided ample space for 12 people-“

“I’m going to put this on tripadvisor, what’s your name?!l

I work at a newspaper…and we accept payments for subscription over the phone.

This woman (older lady…probably 70+), after giving me her details so I can find her information and pull her account up, says she wants to make a payment by card.

I enter the information once, but the page refreshes on my computer and wipes the info. I then tell her “Could you repeat your card number please? My computer erased it for some reason”

She replies with “You’re entering this on a computer?” Long pause. “Never mind I don’t trust computers.” She then hangs up the phone.

Like…do you think your card is magic orrrr……..?

An older lady once called asking what kind of underwear we have. I told her we carry thongs, bikini cut styles, and boy short styles.

She then (very seriously) asked me to describe the difference between Thongs and Bikini style.

I couldn’t help but laugh while describing them. I told her a thong was basically a string that goes up someones’ butt, while the bikini style offers more rear end coverage.

It was an awkward phone conversation for me… My manager had to walk away because he was laughing so badly.

“I need you guys to close early every night, because the light from the drivethru is killing my plantsâ€

I once had a woman accuse me of discrimination against people with glasses because I wouldn’t verbally read our entire store refund policy to her….while I was wearing glasses.

Phone company call center here.

Customer: I want my entire bill credited to 0.

Me: We show your service was on and working for the entire bill period. May I ask why you want a credit?

Customer: I didn’t have any power so I couldn’t use my service.

Me: Our phone service continues to work when the power goes out in your neighborhood.

(FYI traditional copper landlines do work during outages. Plug in a corded phone and you’re good to go. Quite a few people don’t know this)

Customer: Oh but it was just my house that was out. I forgot to pay my power bill.

Me: I’m sorry ma’am but we cannot credit your phone bill due to nonpayment of your electric bill.

Customer: Well can I get credit for being a good customer?

(Customer’s history shows 6 denies for nonpayment in 8 months)

Me: …

C: Can I keep these indoor plants outside?
M: Well, they are tropical plants and we live in Canada so they would be fine for the summer, but you would need to bring them inside during fall and winter.
C: Ok, but what will happen if I just leave them outside for winter?
M: …They will die.
C: Ok, but what can I do to keep them alive?
M: …

Working at Borders bookstore, I overheard a teenage girl say to her friend, “That must be based on the movie. I wonder if it’s as good?” She was pointing to a copy of Pride and Prejudice.

We didn’t have a military discount at the store I used to work at. Once this giant of a man tried to convince me to just make up a military discount for him, he even mentioned a few times that it was usually ten percent. He was persistent for a good five minutes, despite me repeatedly reminding him that it would get me fired. Then finally he leaned over the counter, stared me right in the eyes and said, “how do you live with yourself, you’re stealing people’s money. How do you live with that?” Then he kept pressuring me to answer how I lived with myself, as if he really needed to know.

Retail, anytime a customer didn’t agree with a policy.

“But I’m a good paying customer!”

All of our customers are paying customers. If you do this, stop.

A customer asked me to join the army because I had an earring. I was 17, a cashier at a grocery store, and this guy (probably in his 60s) asked me why I had an earring. I told him I just wanted to do change up my appearance a bit and he goes “Can you please join the army? You need a good long stay there.”

I was working as a cashier at Target when I was 17, and this guy comes up to me and starts badgering me about my day.

Customer: Hey, you look tired.

Me: Yeah, long day.

Customer: Well, yeah, not as bad as a real job. *smirk*

I didn’t have to deal with it, but it was amusing listening to a waiter at an IHOP try to explain to a customer why they couldn’t order “Never ending pancakes†to go.

“HEY I asked for light lettuce!”

“Oh sorry.” remakes sandwich “Here you go.”

“…I don’t get all the rest of my order for free?”

“What? No.”

She ordered for herself, her mom and two sisters. She was honestly shocked she wasn’t getting 4 full meals free from a small mistake.

Customer: My computer doesn’t work.

Me: Is the monitor on?

Customer: Of course.

Me: What color is the power button on the monitor.

Customer: Black.

Me: Can you press the power button on the monitor?

Customer hangs up.

When I worked at a bank I had a customer come into the branch angry because his account was overdrawn. I looked at the account and noticed several checks had gone through so I told the customer who got even madder because how could his account be overdrawn when he still has blank checks in his checkbook.
Dude truly believed that checks were like cash.

I used to work at Staples as a PC Repair tech. Every once in awhile I’d have to sell a computer/printer/anything else on the sales floor.

One day I had a lady come in and ask me for help with ink for her printer. Being the only sales associate on the floor, I helped out. Heres how the conversation went down.

Me: What kind of printer do you have?

Customer: Well, its a printer copier scanner thing… its grey….

Me: Okay, do you know the model number by chance?

Customer: Ummm… I think its a Canon, Epson, or Lexmark….

Me: Well those are all very different printers… Do you remember the number on the ink cartridge?

Customer: Ummm… I don’t.

Me:

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